“Some people never have an orgasm and that’s OK with them. “It’s only an issue if it’s something that’s causing you bother or distress,” says Manduley. What if you’ve never had an orgasm - is this an issue? “So once you’ve experienced an orgasm, it’s a pretty natural response to want to achieve that great feeling over and over and over again.” While these mediums are intended to entertain, not (sex) educate, many folks feel inadequate if or when their sexual encounters don’t follow a similar narrative. More specifically: performative, simultaneous orgasms that take place within 3-5 minutes, give or take. Whether they’re PG-13 or X-rated, almost all sexual encounters in film end with orgasm. “So it makes sense that sex-havers would seek out that sense of accomplishment.” Orgasm makes good movies and porn “Orgasms have become the goal of sex,” she adds. Whether it’s work, sports, or sex, we’re a very goal-driven culture, says Deysach. Orgasms have become the mark of a successful sexual experience Often, they have strong negative reactions that put even more pressure on their partners to orgasm the next time they have sex, she says. And when their partner doesn’t orgasm, their ego is bruised, says Searah Deysach, longtime sex educator and owner of Early to Bed, a pleasure-product company in Chicago that ships worldwide. Unfortunately, many folks fall into the second camp.
Vulva-owners’ orgasms, in particular, have been sidelined for far too long, so that may sound like a good thing.īut there is a h-u-g-e difference between wanting to help your partner who wants to achieve orgasm, achieve an orgasm, and needing your partner to orgasm in order to personally feel sexually competent and/or satisfied. This is what researchers call the “orgasm imperative.” Instead, they insist upon (read: demand) that their partner climaxes… no matter what. The existence of this term has done wonders for increasing awareness of this discrepancy.īut it has also created a class of people who want to prove that they aren’t “one of those people” who only care about their own climax. Research suggests that straight women only reach orgasm 65 percent of the time, while straight men reach it 95 percent of the time. The term “orgasm gap” was coined to highlight the fact that during heterosexual intercourse, men orgasm far more frequently than women.
In other words, the whole shebang is defined around the male orgasm. Unfortunately, many of us were taught that sex starts when a penis enters a vagina and ends when it exits, post-ejaculation. What qualifies as sex is far more inclusive and expansive than just a P going in a V. “There are various reasons, but a lot of them boil down to misogyny, frankly,” says Manduley. Then why are sex and orgasm basically synonymous at this point? “If someone’s physical experience of orgasm triggers shame, is tied to traumatic experiences, or feels so vulnerable that it makes them self-conscious afterward, that can be really a complicated (and unpleasurable) experience,” says Manduley. than desired - it can be disappointing to the person experiencing them. (For instance, an orgasm that occurs during sexual assault).Īlso known as dysorgasmia, painful orgasms are just as they sound: Orgasms that cause the orgasm-haver physical pain.īeyond these three unpleasurable orgasm categories, trauma-focused therapist and sexuality educator Aida Manduley, LCSW, notes that when an orgasm deviates from expectation or orgasm - AKA it’s shorter, quicker, less intense, etc. Introducing: bad orgasms, forced orgasm, and painful orgasms.īad orgasms, as defined by a 2019 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, are orgasms that occur during consensual sex that “have negative impacts on the relationship, sexuality, and/or psychological health.”įorced orgasm may be the name of the kinky, consensual practice of a Dominant “making” their submissive orgasm.īut according to Marla Renee Stewart, sexologist with Velvet Lips Sex Down South and co-author of The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay: Techniques and Strategies for Mind-Blowing Sex (Ultimate Guide Series), the term is also used for orgasms someone has without their consent. Indeed, the majority of orgasms are pleasurable.